Marcia's Musings: You've Lost That Loving Feeling
/By Marcia Appel — Last Updated: February 11, 2025
The storm clouds blew in with so little warning that there was no time to run, no time to hide. They gathered, small at first, in a corner of my mind, unnoticed and therefore unattended to. They stealthily picked up velocity, expanding until they filled all the space, howling and battering my resilience. As I sought a safe space internally, none could be found, and I took refuge in family and friends.
I felt lucky to find solace with my inner circle, free to cry, to pour out the torment of mind and heart without shame or fear of judgment. In seeking their refuge, I was able to catch my breath, find some semblance of ballast, and cling to it. As I poured forth my grief, confusion, and sadness, I listened in turn to them and, as is often the case, found I was not alone. They, too, had cowered from storm clouds and felt the sting of isolation and energetic homelessness that occur when we become separated from our internal island of refuge for whatever reason.
As I permitted the attending emotions to roil, some days easier than others, I felt my wounded heart, small and shriveled, pull back even further from love for myself and eventually for the world in general. I reserved what I felt I had left to give for my inner circle, thinking that the prudent action. That only made my heart hurt more as I turned away from my essential nature.
When you lose that big, bold, and magnanimous loving feeling, not the romantic kind but the one applied generally and generously as you move throughout the world and encounter many people, creatures, and, well, nature itself, you grow smaller. Ekeing out love feels like self-protection while hiding from the storm, when, in truth, it is a futile effort. The cruel irony is that the heart then shrinks and retreats even further until the reservoir of love runs dry.
It is difficult when depleted, fearful, and shocked, and feeling shaky and weak, to ramp up your production of love. It seems counterintuitive and too risky. Yet it is precisely during these dark and stormy times in your life when that is exactly the direction in which to move. Whatever the cause of your storm – relationships, illness, culture wars, politics, job concerns – jumpstarting your energetic heart’s production of love promises the most effective remedy, the safest harbor from the tempest.
When I reach these points of deep despair which, thankfully, have been infrequent in a long life, I realize that I must nurture the embers of love before they flame out and I can’t go on, as the Righteous Brothers sang so long ago. Here are some tips for doing just that.
Reach Out to Someone & Pick Up the Phone When Someone Calls
Amid this current maelstrom, I began to isolate myself. The more I did, the harder it seemed to try to interact at all. I felt I was “bad company”, and I knew I not only appeared distracted, but I also was distracted by waves of worry that would carry my mind to the land of solutions to problems not yet firmly identified. I resisted letting people see my worrying, grieving self, labeling it indulgent. As I sat on my lanai mesmerized by the placid lake below, a ringtone belonging to the friend who knows me best broke my reverie. My first thought? “I’m not going to answer it.” I didn’t feel I had the strength to mount a lively conversation, to put on the heavy mask of faked “okay-ness”. For whatever reason, I picked up her call.
Within minutes she ferreted out that I was in a place she’d witnessed before. The gentle questions started, interspersed into the conversation: Are you seeing friends? Are you going outside? Are you eating? Are you accepting visitors?
Before we ended our call, she extracted from me a pledge that we would connect more regularly and suggested a plan to do so, and she helped me to see that this would benefit her, too. Her message – you are not alone in this dark storm – came with proof. Her sister had just that week asked to come visit for a while as she faced similar headwinds. I could hear my friend’s husband and her sister chatting in the background, bringing stark relief to the importance of not being isolated.
The lesson is this: Pick up the phone when it rings, place the call, say yes to outings more than you say no. Help a friend. Take a class with a friend. Just do something that gets you out into life.
Play with Children
Borrow some if you must. Hanging out with kids creates laughter, wonder, and a sense of possibility. In my angst, I visited my son and his family in another state to attend my five-year-old grandson’s birthday party and to see my nine-month-old granddaughter before too much time passed (not wanting to be forgotten by her, of course). At the birthday blowout in a gymnastics center – really a perfect place for 20 five-year-olds to blow off steam before eating pizza and cake – I watched their dazzling display of physical play, the center filled to the rafters with shrieks, whoops, and giggles. As their parents gazed at the exuberant display unfolding below us, grateful for a break and some adult conversations, my mood lightened. Because of witnessing their sheer fun and joy, more was right with the world for me, a feeling that continued as I played, read books, and talked with them for an entire weekend. Green Lotus is going to hold some kids summer yoga camps at the centers this summer, and this decision makes me smile. The joy of having children at play in any space pulls the soul back from its dark night.
The lesson is this: Being around children is a restorative practice in its own right. If your kids are grown and you do not yet have grandchildren, ask friends if they will share theirs. Offer to babysit (all young parents need breaks), volunteer to read at a school or a library, sit in a park or on a sledding hill and watch kids do what comes naturally to them – having fun! It’s infectious.
Move Your Body
We all know that movement of the body revitalizes the life force and calls the mind home. We know it and often don’t do it. This month, I’ve signed up for a few private Pilates classes on the reformer, that strange-looking equipment that tightens and lengthens a body. It’s a visit that will be challenging, as it’s been decades since my last session. Whether that might be your cup of tea, or you choose to dance with abandon in the privacy of your home for 10 minutes most days, moving your body changes the fixed grooves in your mind. Part of your movement every day should be outside, where the fresh air and your feet on the earth (even if only while mounting your bike or paddleboard) will reset your mood.
The lesson is this: Sometimes lethargy begins to feel like a comfortable old friend or a favorite old blanket. Brief rest and naps are fine when waiting for the storm to blow over, of course. These breaks need to be balanced by movement to maintain your health mentally and physically.
Don’t Panic, and Here’s How
Even in the direst times, panic creates more stress and confusion, which feeds the storm clouds. Getting involved in working in positive ways for the changes you seek will change your mental map. Return to the fight (figuratively speaking) and let compassion and kindness be your guides. How you accomplish this will be a very personal choice. Therefore, without falling into isolation, don’t abandon your meditation practices. Observing your mind, feeling emotions move through your body, simply following your breath patterns brings revelation from which knowingness rises. While you sit, hold your heart in your hands.
The lesson is this: Even a dedicated practice of just five minutes “on the cushion” a few times a week will help to clear the cobwebs of the mind. In sitting quietly, the internal island of refuge reappears. As clarity returns, the heart again will produce loving feelings, and you will be able to go on.
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