Care for the Caregiver

With each passing week, I meet another caregiver caught, like me, in the “sandwich generation”, a termed coined in 1981 and meaning people simultaneously taking care of their children and their aging parents.  We are all stressed doing the very best to support all - emotionally, financially, mentally, and physically. 

Whether our children live at home, or our parents live in a facility or within our home, the stress can become overwhelming. The burdens of our lives combined with our parent’s medical costs, helping with daily activities, overseeing supervision, legal considerations, and other concerns can take a physical and emotional toll on top of ongoing financial concerns.  At times, it feels impossible to manage everything.

There are many days when I look in the mirror after another long day and think: “I don’t think I’m handling the stress at all.  Everyone needs more of me. I just don’t have any more of me to give, to care for them, to love them, to enjoy them.  There are just never enough hours.”

The current sandwich generation accounts for 47 percent of adults in their 40s through 60s. The stress of having to broadly expend energy – to children still at home, to aging or ailing parents near you or out of state, to managing our work responsibilities, to keeping all our relationships while also maintaining some time to for ourselves – can feel like a formidable task.

With so many stressors, there is no wonder that, according to a recent Forbes survey, caregivers are often experiencing:

• Caregiver burnout and feelings of depression, guilt and isolation.

• Issues finding time to be a good spouse, parent, and child simultaneously. “Almost half (45%) said that caring for their parent/in-law has had a negative impact on their own health or their relationship with their spouse”, according to the survey.

• Worry about resources: “More than 40% said they feel financial strain to care for their children and elderly parents/in-laws.”

• Trouble managing work, hobbies, relationships, and time for ourselves. Reporting that “they feel it harder to advance their careers because of the need to care for parents/in-laws (28%), and almost 25% said they’ve had to quit their job to care for their parents/in-laws, which is an incredibly tough decision for anybody to be forced to make.”

• Psychological issues as we struggle with being pulled in multiple directions every day.

What can be done to ease the burden?

The following tips are helping me, and may be a resource to you as well.

MAKE AND TAKE time to recharge

Time to recharge is essential, not only for your own well-being, but also for the entire family.  As the saying goes, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.”   

Interestingly, more and more caregivers are turned off by the term “self-care” because it sounds like one more thing to add to the to-do list. The reality is that you need to be more intentional in what matters most to you, carving out time for those things without feeling guilty: carving, as in a potter or sculptor using both hands, exhibiting force and mindfully working to create the desired outcome.  It will not happen without you intentionally making it happen.

For me, this sometimes means small bursts of 20-30 minutes of exercise, on-demand meditation, quiet time alone in a room to sit and read a book, or working on a new painting.  Small bursts might not seem like much yet can be the lifeline you need that day. 

Other times, carving out time for myself might mean a 60- or 90-minute self-care appointment which I’ve prebooked three months in advance and added plenty of buffer time on my calendar those days to commute – because I know me, and I likely will try to get one more thing done before I go.

Over time you will discover what your non-negotiable need is.  This is your one “must” do.  Be sure to let others know what it is and set expectations that you’ll need their support to stick to it.

Schedule some self-care

Streamline your channels of communication

Many caregivers struggle with having too many communication lines open.  It is incredibly difficult to manage individual texts, emails, and calls, and to keep track of who heard what and when. Sometimes, you just don’t have the bandwidth to talk about the situation one more time.

Having one central place where information is kept and shared with all involved in caregiving is critical to simplifying and streamlining.  A group text chain, a document or spreadsheet on Google drive, or the online tool Lotsa Helping Hands are simple and efficient ways to keep everyone updated.

Share the load

Delegate. Ask someone to do some shopping, shuttle kids to school and activities or aging parent to appointments, and help out with some of the household chores.

Call in the reinforcements.  Reach out to friends and other family members. They cannot help if you don’t let them know what you need. Be as specific as possible. There is no shame in asking for assistance.

Hire help

As your budget allows, hiring help can be wise, especially for parts of your life that end up getting neglected and causing more stress.  Hiring someone to clean your house, do yardwork, run errands, or pick-up your curbside orders can free up time to put to use elsewhere.

If you’re struggling to fit your preferred form of hired help into the budget, consider asking non-local family members and friends, who can’t help physically, if they are able to help by contributing financially.

Talk to your employer

For caregivers, work flexibility is crucial.  There are times when you are going to be completely unavailable and need to focus on family. Be open and honest with your employer and plan for these scenarios as best as possible. 

For those of us who are self-employed, treat yourself with the same respect you would expect from an employer or as you would give to an employee.  Go back to #3 and #4 and plan it out as best as you can.

Let go of the need for perfection

This one is big for me.  Over the last two years, my family has dealt with caring for my mother-in-law out of state, to caring for my dad at home, to getting teens through the final years of high school, to starting a business in the middle of a pandemic. I have learned that I cannot do it all. 

You have to acknowledge that sometimes you will not have “balance”.  Focus your attention in waves: There will be weeks when you focus more on your parents, weeks when you focus more on your spouse/partner, weeks when you focus more on your children, and weeks when you focus more on your work.  The priority of the moment will guide your direction, and that is ok.

7)     Lean on support

As a caregiver, you need a safety net and other humans you can turn to for comfort and understanding without judgment.  Friends who are a source of encouragement are vital to your mental and physical health. Absolutely lean on them for support. 

I highly recommend finding a licensed therapist.  This is especially important if you begin to see your friendships being negatively affected or, worse, you stop sharing and begin to bottle up your feelings.

There are also local support groups who will provide a supportive, non-judgmental space to talk.

8)     Keep Perspective

It’s often hard to see when you are in it, yet this is a small chapter in your life.  A season.  Embrace the season and all the good in amongst the chaos. The time you have with these very important people in your life – the faces and smiles, the sounds, the stories – are all irreplaceable.  Be present for it.

I find this poem by Martha Beck to be a wonderful reminder of keeping perspective:

“The Gift of Crisis”

Emotional discomfort,

when accepted,

rises, crests, and falls

in a series of waves.

Each wave

washes parts of us away

and deposits treasures

we never imagined.

-        Martha Beck

Above all else, friends, I urge you to be kind to yourself. Together we move forward.

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